The Best Wingman
by wrorus
Summary: <html><head></head>Aomine may have found the best wingman there is to pick up the ladies. (Or: In which Aomine is a stubborn idiot, Kuroko actually curses and Akashi is food freeloader who is having his daily dose of amusement. Also, potatoes.) Oneshot.</html>


**A/N**: Exams are coming. *procrastinating intensifies* Not beta-ed, but I edited it to the best of my abilities. I am tired now after non-stop typing.

**Summary**: Aomine may have found the best wingman there is to pick up the ladies. (Or: In which Aomine is a stubborn idiot, Kuroko actually curses and Akashi is food freeloader who is having his daily dose of amusement. Also, potatoes.) Oneshot.

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><p><strong>The Best Wingman<strong>

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Aomine's best discovery in his twenty-two years of breathing and living in planet Earth that are not gravure idol magazines and the goddess Horikata Mai is through a total, one of a kind accident. On a very sunny afternoon of whatever day – his memory isn't the best when it comes to mundane things like time and schedules – he had got out of his car to buy a cold drink from the nearest fast food restaurant, which was sadly inconvenient for someone as lazy as him. But, he did need the exercise and a short walk into an air conditioned area wasn't too bad.

That is, until his car died when he returned from his short trip. The fuse short-circuited and it killed the battery. He couldn't exactly start it up like normal and it's not like he could fix it either, because dead batteries meant you couldn't recharge them and thus, have to replace them. He didn't have a spare battery in his car trunk and he wasn't an expert when it came to changing car parts. He was a lazy bastard like that and of course, left it to the professionals, even if it meant losing 7600 yen.

So, the next best thing to do was call the car services to tow his dead car away to fix it. They came in about half an hour and Aomine took whatever he needed out of the car, which were his mobile phone, wallet, apartment keys and his favorite shades before they took his car to the garage in downtown Tokyo.

For the next few hours or so, he was taking a nap on a bench in the park, to enjoy the fresh air and the outside world and whatever, like his best friend and roommate told him to instead of wasting his days in his room flipping through his favorite magazines. Of course, if he was going to have sunburns – not that it would be noticeable but it would hurt like a bitch – he was totally going to blame said best friend/roommate.

He was completely enjoying his nap and wearing his simple black shades. Wearing them were completely justifiable, because hey, he didn't want the damn sunlight to burn through his eyeballs.

But really, it was completely coincidental that he wore shades and out of nowhere, Nigou popped by. Or that his buddy's pet was probably walking himself instead of waiting for his master to find the leash. Aomine definitely knows how hard it is to find the black thing when it always disappears from the shoe rack to god knows where. Besides, it was an independent dog. It knew its way around Tokyo and would never let itself get taken by the local dog pound, if the collar it wears wasn't enough indication.

He was completely back to the land of the living when Nigou, the stupid but lovable mutt the size of a Rottweiler now, barked loudly at him. Jolted awake, he stared at the dog and ruffled its head.

"Hey, Nigou." Aomine spoiled Nigou by scratching him behind the ear and Nigou thumped his feet to show it was pleased. "Did Tetsu ask you to find me? I forgot to tell him my car broke down."

Nigou woofed softly and it made the blue haired male feel somewhat stupid that he was conversing with a dog and expecting an answer. While Nigou most likely understood what he was saying, it was still impossible for the dog to reply in human speech.

He just mentally shrugged and continued to spoil Nigou with ear scratches, head pats and back rubs. It wasn't until the soft voice of a woman snapped him out of his blank mind and his head turned so fast to the source, it was a surprise that he didn't get a whiplash.

"Hello, sir, is that your… umm…"

The beautiful young woman who had her hair in a simple ponytail, wearing a simple t-shirt that accented her large breasts and tight knee-length pants made Aomine's mouth water because he was presented with his perfect type of woman, but he, thankfully, handled the situation like a true man – he didn't act like a total pervert and scare her off.

"Your guide dog?"

"… My what now?" he couldn't help but give a very unsophisticated answer. Why the hell would he need a guide dog, he wasn't blind–

Oh.

It was the shades, wasn't it?

He should've listened to Kise when the obnoxious blond told him that they weren't 'fashionable' and were similar to what a blind man wears. Whoops.

Or maybe not?

The woman just continued to fumble awkwardly and Aomine found it slightly endearing, even if he wasn't into shy types.

"You're blind, aren't you?" she tried not to sound offensive or pretentious in her 'obvious' statement, pursing her lips together. It would've been cute if she wasn't so nervous. "I'm sorry for prying, but I'm an animal lover and it's really great to see a friendly bond between pet and owner…"

Holy shit. Holy motherfucking shit.

The woman was freaking blushing. Like a freaking shy virgin having her first time with her most beloved and all that rose shit and cliché jazz.

"-Then I just couldn't help but notice you! You're so perfect and with your, uhm, excuse me, but, blindness…" she shouted passionately and Aomine was a little regretful that he didn't hear the bits she said before, but it was probably her singing praises of him.

"Please, let's exchange numbers, if you'll let me…? I'm Fujino Ayumi, by the way-"

After singing praises, they'll go for dinner and the after desert will be her screaming his name in his bed. Or in a love hotel room, whatever works for him.

"Excuse me, sir!" another woman, with equally nice breasts but _woah, look at that booty_, came up, pushed Ayumi aside, who did a little gasp thing – yes, gasps were nice, especially during nightly fun times – but otherwise did not fall. Aomine noticed the jiggles there, from the previous and new women. "You're so wonderful and my, your dog is so cute, maybe we should exchange numbers-"

"Please, excuse me, ladies!" Another woman shouted, pushed the two aside and hot damn, look at that hour glass body… But what was up with him and hot women wanting the D today? Or specifically, his? "Obviously, as attractive as this man is, he can't see how attractive you two are anyways. He needs a woman who can satisfy his physical, secular needs! Hmmph!"

It felt like a cheap hentai premise with no imagination used in the introduction whatsoever simply because the animators were quick to get on with the steamy scenes, but hey, he wasn't complaining, not when he didn't have to do any work at all! Also, three women at once, without even simple flirting, was a new record for him. He wondered if he could get more if…

"Ladies, calm down. I may not be able to tell you how beautiful you are as God has taken the gift of sight away from me, but…" -cue the sweet talk and such.

Yes, he was a lazy bastard indeed.

Oh hell yes.

_Way to go, Daiki, my man. _

_Way to go, Nigou, my new wingman. Wingdog? Eh, whatever. I seriously gotta ask Tetsu for this. _

.

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When Aomine entered his apartment with Nigou in tow, wagging his tail happily from the treats he received from Ayumi, as happy as a man could be, his peace was short lived when his roommate trudged to the front door with furious footsteps and wielding a frying pan.

"Where. Were. You." Kuroko spat out his words like fire and poison with a venomous glare directed at the now nervous Aomine. It was just suicide to face Kuroko when he was mad, even if you couldn't see it when said person hides every emotion behind a blank, stoic mask. "You were supposed to get the potatoes. Where are the potatoes?"

"What- Oh, yeah. Potatoes. Right." Aomine scratched the back of his neck in an attempt to look sheepish. But he really couldn't when he had a shit-eating grin on his face. It made Kuroko very wary of approaching his best friend. "Sorry, Tetsu, but I got a hot date tonight and it'll end in a threesome. Trust me on this. Ayumi with her jiggly boobs, Miyuki's ass and Mika's hot bod-"

Kuroko's tightened grip on the frying pan slacked a little and his arm that was holding it dropped to his side while his other hand pinched the bridge of his nose.

"The potatoes, Aomine-kun. I don't want to listen to your latest sexual escapades. Or soon-to-be anyways." Kuroko heaved a heavy sigh.

"I'm glad Nigou found you," which proved Aomine's theory of Kuroko sending it out to find him correct, "But you promised to buy the potatoes, not flirt with women. Where were you anyways?"

Also, speaking of Nigou…

"By the way, Tetsu," the dark skinned male completely ignored Kuroko's distress of the lack of potatoes and where he was, must to the other's frustration, but forged on. This was serious business that needed to be addressed right here and now. "Can Nigou be my wingman? Uhm, wingdog?"

Kuroko did not look amused. At least his attention was successfully diverted from the missing potatoes.

"No."

Aomine did a weird pout thing, which made Kuroko wrinkle his nose in revulsion. "Aomine-kun, no is no. And stop doing that, because you're at least fifteen years too old to do that."

"I can be immature whenever I want, Tetsu and I want Nigou to be my wingman." Given the incentive and time, Aomine Daiki could out-stubborn anyone as long as he wanted something really, really badly. "How do you think I got these numbers on my hand?" Aomine showed a series of numbers on his right hand, with the names Ayumi, Miyuki and Mika etched beside each series of numbers, all in different but similarly feminine handwriting.

"I was wearing my shades while taking a short snooze at the park, Nigou found me and then I started spoiling him with scratches and rubs and then Ayumi came up to me, then Miyuki and later Mika and they were all flirting with me, 'cause they they apparently dig men who treat their pets well and now they be wanting _the Aomine Daiki's D_-"

"You were napping at the park. In broad daylight where someone could've stolen your belongings. What is wrong with you." The last part wasn't a question, because Kuroko knew the sad truth. It was just unavoidable.

Oh, he wasn't supposed to reveal that bit, but what's done is done. You can't cry over spilled milk-

"-And your sentence making appalls me. What are you, a mentally challenged five year old? Oh wait, a fetus is_ better than you_, Aomine-kun." He said it threateningly.

Okay, now Kuroko was just being a little shit.

First, his best friend says he's too old and now he's too young?

But knowing Kuroko, he has always been the little shit he is. Even if Aomine does put up with him.

"Tetsu, the possibilities, the frickity frackity fuckin' possibilities!" Aomine shouted a little hysterically while Kuroko's facial expression remained unchanged. It was amusing the first time when Aomine freaked out during sex because he didn't have a condom and didn't know where to get a condom, leading to a call to Kuroko at midnight, but this was getting ridiculous. "All the hot women! All the boobs! All the sex!"

Kuroko heaved a heavy sigh again. His friend's sex libido was getting real old. Thankfully, his savior came in the form of his redheaded friend, who came to the corridor they were in with the corners of his lips slightly lifted. If Kuroko wasn't amused, he definitely was.

"What's this I hear about Daiki being unable to keep his phallus in his pants?" Aomine paled at the owner of the voice. If he thought it was suicide facing a mad Kuroko, it was facing Satan in all his demonic glory when it came to dealing with Akashi. "And is lunch ready yet?"

Kuroko grumbled under his breath. "No, because Aomine-kun forgot to get the fucking potatoes and was too busy chasing after skirts. Stupid fucker."

Akashi chuckled at Kuroko's sudden crassness. It was always a pleasure to hear his friend curse, who made it a policy of his to be polite no matter what. Must be really frustrating for Kuroko. "Language, Tetsuya," he couldn't help but chide, "But that's rather… interesting. Care to share?"

"Basically, I told him to get potatoes, but it turns out that he was napping at the park, Nigou found him, some women thought he was blind, got attracted to him because they're animal lovers or something like that with a secret fetish for blind men and then gave him their numbers with a promise to meet again."

"An adequate explanation." Akashi nodded in understanding. "Anything else?"

"… He wants Nigou to be his wingman… wingdog? Which is something I will definitely not allow."

Aomine ignored that self-assured, confident declaration. His best friend would cave in to his demands, sooner or later. Though there was one thing bothering him…

"Yo, what's a _faylus_?"

Kuroko facepalmed. Sometimes, he wondered why he even cared and why they were even roommates. This was probably one of those life decisions he didn't know whether to regret or not.

"_Phallus_, Daiki, not 'faylus'." Akashi corrected like a patient kindergarten teacher who is paid to watch over screaming hellions with no sense of self preservation. "It means penis."

A figurative light bulb lit above Aomine's head. He understood, which was good.

"So, a fancier way of saying dick."

Now, if only he wasn't such a blunt idiot.

"Aomine-kun, I _sincerely_ hope you get so bored of women, you turn homosexual and by turning homosexual, you will be too embarrassed to share anything with me because according to you, it's the law of the universe that, I quote, '_manly men don't want other men_'. Thus, I will no longer be constantly disturbed by your over exaggerated sexual recounts, will finally _**shut the fuck up**_ and **finish your fucking chores** like getting the **goddamn potatoes** I want to use for lunch, you **dipshit**."

While Kuroko knew you couldn't suddenly switch sexual orientations, he just wished it would happen. Sometimes. When he was really, really, done with his best friend/roommate's behavior.

Akashi whistled at Kuroko's worsening crassness but did not comment. He was rather amused by the entire situation to do anything to erase any anger, really. He just wished that Aomine did bring back potatoes and he could have lunch after a harrowing long time of reading and checking over account statements. He was craving for food with potatoes which led to Kuroko asking Aomine to buy potatoes and Kuroko did make a mean sweet potato risotto. Akashi was definitely not sorry for wanting to eat Kuroko's homemade food and being a general freeloader.

Nigou just woofed and trotted away merrily, not knowing why his favorite humans were talking louder than usual.

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><p><strong>Notes:-<strong>

**Conversion**: 70 USD = 7594.51 Japanese Yen (I just rounded it off because decimals, man, who needs that shit)

**Fun facts**:

1) Approximately three hours of non-stop typing, but with little breaks in-between which were reading Ito Junji's manga.

2) It took me about 30 minutes to find the name of Aomine's favorite gravure idol because I forgot and his wiki page doesn't list it in the trivia. I had to search through the replace novels and Imayoshi's page.

3) I had to search for potato recipes, because I don't actually know what you can cook potatoes with that's suitable as lunch.


End file.
